Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Tiger Mom suggests balance

Last Friday morning, I had the pleasure of meeting Amy Chua at a professional conference of Independent Educational Consultants in Philadelphia. Amy, aka, Tiger Mom, agreed to present her parenting experiences, successes and failures with us and compare her perceptions of average Chinese parenting with average American parenting.

At one point in her remarks she identified three parenting dimensions where she believes false distinctions are often made.

False Dichotomy #1: Children can be either successful or happy, not both.

Doing what we want when we want doesn't necessarily bring happiness. Being successful at something we don't like doesn't bring happiness either. Her claim is that one has little to do with the other. When parents don't expect their children to study, practice, or achieve by using the excuse "we want them to be happy", they're mistaken.

We sometimes see this dimension playing out when students are selecting senior year courses. A student may say that they don't want to take any more math after 11th grade, or that they don't want to take a 4th or 5th year of a foreign language. Parents want their children to be happy, so they sign the enrollment slip without insisting on additional academic work. However, when the child then wants to apply to selective colleges, or earn scholarship money, other sources of happiness, they find out that they're not competitive. Students who continue to challenge themselves academically through their junior and senior years can be happy and successful. They may have had to defer their happiness a little, but they have both: happiness and success. Balance is key.

False Dichotomy #2: Students can either be creative or hardworking.

I've heard parents claim that their child shouldn't be penalized for not completing homework assignments, because it's too boring and their child's creativity prohibits them from finishing mundane tasks.

Successful creative people are disciplined, persistent and hard working. A painter friend of mine works 10 hours a day for months creating pieces for a gallery show. His annual income depends on the success of the show. We all need to learn the importance of completing tasks. Some writers describe their work day; they write for several hours every morning whether or not they feel like it. Writers, artists, musicians, business executives, scientists, successful artists of any kind likely are both creative and hardworking. Balance is key.

False Dichotomy #3: Children can either have a happy, carefree childhood or get into a great college, not both.

If a child has had no expectations of success or achievement during the elementary and middle school years and starts high school without having developed a work ethic, he/she can be overwhelmed when college planning hits. In about 10th grade, when they sit for the PLAN or PSAT tests and start feeling the pressure of preparing for college, students can experience an inordinate amount of stress, stress their carefree childhoods have not prepared them for. The college stakes can be high. Students may struggle if they haven't learned to budget their time or prioritize their work. Students who are incrementally expected to accept more and more responsibility through out their childhood and early teen years have practice handling pressure and coping with stress. Carefree children who've practiced age appropriate skills of hard work usually reap the rewards of a positive college admissions experience. Balance is key.

Not sure what is the opposite of Tiger Mom, but extremes aren't the key to success, balance is.

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